The Lesser Saphenous

The Sane Doctor

2006-04-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Do you think you're insane?" I asked my latest patient.

"I don't know. I thought it was your job to figure that out."

"You might say that. I was just wondering. Most mentally unstable people have no idea that there is something wrong with them."

"So, how do you know that you're not crazy?"

I stopped to think about the question. How could I really be sure?

A Drinking Problem

2006-04-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

A man sits at a bar, drinking a martini. A friendly woman about his age takes the seat beside him.

"So, what do you do for a living?" asks the woman.

"Do I know you?" asks the man, more hifalutin than amicable.

"Nope," responds the woman cheerily.

"Oh," says the man. There is a pause. "I give barcodes to new products."

"Ooh, that sounds interesting!" responds the woman cheerily.

"Actually, it's not," the man continues.

"Tell me a story," pleads the woman.

"When I was younger, I was absolutely fascinated by barcodes. Every single different product in the world had one of its own, and each barcode had to go through a special process before it was selected. Only the best barcodes were given away.

"I was so fascinated by this exclusivity that I decided I wanted to be one of the people who decided which ones would be used. After all, if the barcodes were special, the people who picked them had to have been really special.

"So, I went through high school and college, excelling in all the special math classes for barcode specialists, and I got my credentials, and I got a job. You know what I found out on the first day? There's no special process for selecting the barcodes! They just arbitrarily pick a bunch of random numerals and slap them on the box! I had wasted my entire life daydreaming about the poetry and romance of barcodes. Now, they're just a bunch of bullshit numbers!"

"Hey, don't curse!" frets the woman.

"What are you, some kind of Mormon?"

"No, I just don't like it when people curse."

"Whatever," replies the man. He takes another sip of his martini, and the woman disappears.

"Hey, bartender, another?" orders the man.

"Sure," replies the bartender as he pours the man another martini. A depressed woman about his age takes the seat beside him.

"What's your sign?" asks the woman.

"Virgo," the man answers. "I'm supposed to be logical, scheming, and inventive."

"Are you?" the woman asks.

"Yeah," replies the man, "I always find a way to get what I want, one way or another. What's your sign?"

"Libra," the woman says, "fair, judicious, merciful."

"Are you really like that?"

"Yeah. What does Virgo mean?"

"Virgin. Yeah, right! Virgin!" the man laughs as he takes another sip of his martini. The woman disappears.

"Can I have another, barkeep?" asks the man.

"Sure thing," says the bartender, and he pours the man another martini. As the man sips from his new martini, a happy woman about his age takes the seat beside him.

"So, what's your favorite movie?" inquires the woman.

"The Piano. We all have to make some sacrifices. What's yours?"

"Field Of Dreams. Just because other people don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there."

The man wrinkles his brow, waning philosophical. He takes another sip of his martini, and the woman disappears.

"Yo, bartender, got any more?" yells the man.

"We got enough gin, vermouth, and olives to keep a guy like you happy for life," pitches the bartender.

"Yeah, right," mutters the man.

Penny For Your Thoughts

2006-03-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in the land of Green, there lived two smiths. Alex, a blacksmith, lived an austere and simple life in an austere and simple hut on the west side of Green, and he spent his meager earnings only on necessities for himself and gave the rest to the poor. Orson, a goldsmith, spent most of his incredible wealth on a grandiose lifestyle, and he never gave any alms. One day, Orson went into Alex's shop to have a machine repaired.

"Why do you have to debase yourself like this?" asked Orson. "You barely make enough to survive, and whatever you do make, you give away."

"Well," responded Alex, "when compared to the rest of the world, my life is inconsequential. By spending part of my earnings on others, I help to make the world a better place."

"I think you're wrong," Orson commented. "One person being beneficent doesn't made the world a better place. You should know that your charity is wasted on a very small number of people; it's not like the entire world benefits from what you do."

Alex told Orson that his work would be finished within a matter of days, and Orson left. As Alex was concocting an alloy to apply to the damaged machine part, he thought about Orson's comments and whether he should desist his actions. He quickly dismissed the idea, however. How dare he try to desecrate my philosophy of life with such a selfish, crass proposal, he thought.

Meanwhile, at Orson's shop, Orson began work on a neighbor's old piece of jewelry. A weak, cadaverous traveler entered.

"Sir, could I trouble you for a glass of water?" asked the traveler. "I've been roaming through the country for days now, and I haven't had anything to drink."

"Sure, there's a faucet in the other room," Orson answered.

The traveler walked into the back room and drank some water. As he began to leave the store, he realized that he had no money for food.

"Sir," begged the traveler, "I'm sorry to trouble you like this, but I have no money, and I'm starving. If you could give me a couple of dollars for some food, I promise I would return it to you within a couple of days. I'll even give you interest on it."

Orson pretended to search his pocket for some extra money, and then said, "Sorry, I'm broke too. You'll have to ask someone else."

"But there was a big jar full of change in your back room. Can't I just borrow some of that?"

"I'm saving up for my son to go to college. Kids these days, always trying to get into the big schools. You understand, right?"

Disconcerted, the traveler replied, "I guess. Can I at least fill up my canteen?"

"Sure," said Orson, and the traveler returned to the back room.

A few days passed, and Orson returned to Alex's shop to collect his repaired machine. While he was there, he noticed a jar of coins on Alex's counter.

"So, I see you decided to take my advice after all," Orson commented.

"That and more," Alex replied tersely.